The Secret to Healing Part II

by Wendi Kaiser

Here is the continuing article on emotional healing.

Some people confuse forgiveness and reconciliation. My abusers have never asked for my forgiveness or admitted their sins. I may never experience earthly reconciliation with them, but my heart is open to this possibility. (My grandfather died at 95 and seemed very unrepentant, and my father is a confused, chronically ill alcoholic.) Reconciliation, in this instance, is dependent on their genuine repentance, and I am under no biblical mandate to fellowship with them until such repentance is evident. Some well-meaning friends may challenge this stand, saying, "if you have really forgiven them, you should let them back into your life." This is neither true nor biblical. Neither the church nor the individual believer should have familial fellowship with someone who is actively committing criminal sexual acts against others or has committed such acts without recognizable repentance.

There is a group of both Christian and secular psychologists who espouse a different concept concerning forgiveness. They teach that reconciliation and forgiveness are synonymous and consequently conditional. This means the offender must repent of his sinful behavior and ask for forgiveness before forgiveness is granted by the offended party. This teaching troubles me as it departs from the accepted historical interpretation of scriptural precepts on forgiveness, reinterpreting Scripture. The historical Christian teachings on forgiveness stem directly from Jesus' teachings, His example, the apostolic letters, and early Church history as recorded in Acts.

According to the Evangelical Dictionary of Theology, "there are to be no limitations whatever to the forgiveness of one's fellows. In Luke 17:4, it is to be 'seven times in a day,' and until 'seventy times seven' in Matt. 18:22, both of which probably signify limitlessness. It is to be an attitude of mind even before the offending party requests forgiveness as is implied by Jesus, 'unless you forgive your brother from your heart' (Matt. 18:35)." According to the Wycliffe Bible Commentary, "Jesus ... lifted the matter beyond the realm of practical computation by requiring seventy times seven. Rather than seek a numerical standard, the believer must follow the example of His Lord." "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13).

Some may try to find a legal loophole in Jesus' teaching on forgiveness. Ah ha! If the person asks for forgiveness, only then forgive them. They must be sorry and show a sincere degree of repentance before I have to forgive them. But wait, can we seriously believe that a person who has sinned seventy times seven in a day against us is truly repentant or remorseful about their actions? No way�they evidently are not repentant, but we are still responsible to forgive these people. It is much easier for Christians to forgive when they realize how much they are forgiven: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Eph 4:32).

An unforgiving spirit is sin and should be confessed. In Ephesians 4:32 and Colossians 3:13 the word forgive is charizomai, which has the same Greek root word as grace. Forgive here is unconditional favor bestowed on another. This is not probational forgiveness. It also implies not seeking reparation or retaliation. In Matthew 18:21?35 Jesus told the parable of the man who was forgiven of an enormous debt but would not forgive a small debt that was owed to him. "Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?" (v. 33). He was teaching us that we have been graciously forgiven of an unpayable debt of sin and so should personally forgive others of their comparably small offenses toward us.

His story also carried a warning for those who would not forgive others. "In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed" (v. 34). I personally believe the "jailers" mentioned in verse 34 are allowed by God to bring the unforgiving believer to repentance. These jailers might be adverse circumstances or what I call heart-sicknesses. This view makes sense when the Greek root word for jailers is examined. Jailers (basanistai) comes from the verb basanizo which is used as pain (Matt. 4:24), suffering (Matt. 8:6), and buffeted (Matt. 14:24). Many of us have experienced heartsickness from harbored bitterness and unforgiveness.

I would also like to bring up the issue of rehashing old memories of wounds and grievances. I was recently sitting in our church listening to our guest pastor speak on forgiveness. Dr. Paul Larson was sharing that sometimes in the twilight ruminations before sleep or during pesky midnight bouts of insomnia he will take out an old hurt for a spin around the block. Like a photographer's flashbulb the Matthew 18: 22 passage was further illuminated. Rarely, do our enemies sin against us 490 times but we replay the "sin" 490 times in our minds. Jesus understood human emotions and weaknesses and he was telling us to forgive anew each time we replay the event in our hearts and minds. We are instructed to not keep a tally of what is "owed" us and to not demand repayment. Hmm? Of course, I remember the events but as instructed by Jesus I choose to forgive 70 times 7 whenever they replay in my mind. This is not always effortless and sometimes I do feel the pain again. BUT forgiveness is not just a state of emotions but an obedient reality for the Christian. To the degree we forgive we are healed.

-01/30/03

This article first appeared in Cornerstone Magazine, Issue No. 117.